Iron Chef America: The Toddler Challenge

Dinner. It occurs every night. You'd think the planner in me would willingly rise to meet the challenge of meal planning easily and effectively. Unfortunately, you'd be wrong.

So here we are at 4:30pm (the witching hour) and yet again I don't know what I'm going to make. Biddy walks in just as I bury my nose in the fridge. "Mommy," he says with a smile, "I cook you dinner." 

That's when things got fun in a weird sort of way.

All of a sudden the lighting went futuristic with spotlights searching and strobing. Video cameras surrounded us panning quickly and abruptly. Blades being sharpened became the soundtrack. Our kitchen had morphed into Kitchen Stadium. The Chairman appeared looking as dapper as ever. He introduced the chef challenger who it turns out is me and then welcomed back the great and super fabulous Iron Chef Biddy. Iron Chef Biddy? When did Biddy turn into a tiny Bobby Flay? 

The Chairman then unveiled the secret ingredient with grand cheesy flair. "Today, brown rice is your weapon. Let the battle begin!" And with that it was game on. 60 minutes to create our masterpieces. Who's cuisine will reign supreme? Allez cuisine!

Welcome to Iron Chef America: The Toddler Challenge.

As the brown rice simmered on the stove, Biddy opened his designated kitchen cabinet and poured over ingredients deciding on menu items and course presentation. Tupperware came tumbling out, so did wooden spoons, plastic cups, measuring containers and even the plastic Halloween pumpkin he carted his candy in.  

Kitchen Stadium's energy was electric as the refrigerator open and closed, the microwave spun and beeped, and the table was set. I ran around like a maniac while Biddy, cool and collected, readied to roll out his delicacies.

One minute to go.

Plate last minute dishes. 

30 seconds.

Drizzle droplets of sauce.

15 seconds.

Wipe plate edges with a paper towel to make them sparkle.

5-4-3-2-1...

Tongs down. Aprons straightened.

And with that, the battle is over and judgement about to begin.

As the challenger, I was first to present my fare. I explained to the judges that I created my meals with nothing but a smorgasbord of leftover favorites because due to the economic downturn - that's all we had in the fridge! First up: day-old Shake & Bake pork chops, brown rice seasoned to perfection with salt and pepper, and steamed white corn with a dab of butter. The judges called it boring and word to the wise - don't try to microwave S&B pork chops. They turn out tough and cardboard-ish. Next, I presented two-day-old London broil served cold, brown rice and a spring salad mix. They called it average. For my third and final dish, I made brown rice and petite pea cakes. That qualifies as dessert, right? Its got the word "cake" in it. The judges thought them awful. Personally I thought them awful too.

Iron Chef Biddy then took center stage. He decided to rebel and ditch brown rice completely. He also ditched the judges and instead cooked only for mommy.

This is when all the weirdness abruptly came to an end. The lighting returned to soft dusk colors, the cameras disappeared, and the knife scraping ceased. The Chairman also vanished. Thank goodness.

Biddy tenderly took my hand and sat me down on the floor in front of his cabinet. "Mommy, I cook dinner for you." He started me off with a chai latte because he knows they're my favorite. He was very proud of it and kept me sipping from the jumbo-size fast-food drink cup he presented it in. He then brought me a empty yogurt container as an appetizer. "This is oh-gurt," he said, "with blueberries, flax seeds and almonds." We ate it together, each spooning out delicious dollops with a large wooden spoon. The main course was bow ties with tomato sauce. The second main course was penne with butter and parmesan cheese. What can I say, he's a pasta head! The salad course came next with lettuce, fennel and cauliflower crammed into the smallest tupperware container we have and just when I thought we were done, strawberry jello was served in his humongous Halloween pumpkin. It made for quite the finale. 

"Mommy full?" he said as he handed me my chai for the 20th time and I finally finished it. 

"Yes Biddy, Mommy is full." Full of love. 

And with that, I tossed all the leftovers into the garbage.